Fright Night Part I: Look Out… Behind You!

It’s fitting that hoops season kicks off around the week of Halloween.  At the same time ballers are getting back in peak condition to routinely soar above the rim, the rest of the free world is making their best efforts to get a good hearty scare out of people.  All the blood-bath, hardware-power-tool date flicks come out.  Fake blood and spider webs and green goo are everywhere.And parents dress up their kids to look like some washed-up-president or a werewolf or a space alien.  Over the years the NBA missed out on an opportunity to capitalize on some of the hardest-on-the-eyes players’ faces by making Halloween masks that would scare the flower pattern right off Granmama’s mou-mou.  They could’ve made a killing off of costumes featuring the ghoulish muggs of Sam Cassell, Paul Mokeski, and Tyrone Hill.

Now come Halloween time, Richard Jefferson needs nobody’s help when it comes to dressing up to look like an extra-terrestrial.  The bulby forehead and extended ears create a brutha who looks like he desperately needs to Phone Home.  That “oww-you’re-pinching-my-nose” voice doesn’t help his cause either.  But you’d best not be fooled by his otherworldly countenance and persona.  Just ‘cause RJ channels “The Great Gazoo” from the Flintstones doesn’t mean he won’t make you take him to your leader once he gets on the hardwood.  He’s made a career out of making opponents in the paint look foolish, even downright frightened, when he catches dunks on ‘em.  Here’s a couple where Jefferson produces some Close Encounters of the Filthy Kind (hey, why does a brutha always get victimized first in these things? It's a conspiracy, I swear)…

Tyrus Thomas would eventually slay the posterizing beast when he spiked one over RJ… OR DID HE????

Little did he know he created a Headless Horseman.  Or is it the Great Pumpkin? 

Tyrus couldn’t get to the League in time to save one Kevin “Whachootalkinbout??” Willis.  RJ’s windmill dunk over Willis’ shoulder in the 2003 Finals generated a lasting image of this past-his-prime-time player that’s perfectly suited for Depends undergarments ads.  As the tomahawk-wielding Jefferson springs out of seemingly nowhere , just witness the abject terror on Kevin’s face the moment he KNOWS what’s about to transpire over his head.  “It’s an Alien Invasion!  AHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Willis’ classic reaction to RJ’s monster mash was the inspiration for a series of dunks-on-defenders that focus on the reactions that make poster-worthy dunk victims, well, victims.  A “Night Gallery,” if you will (anybody remember that show? Dang, I feel old!)

This first installment of Nasteedunx Fright Night focuses on the situation when some unfortunate crab gets dunked on from behind.  These in particular create the oddest variety of momentary crap-inducing reactions from unsuspecting defenders, perfectly captured on camera for our collective humor.  You get the full gamut, from wide-eyed gasps, to cowering cringes, to spooked-out dudes scrambling desperately to just get outta the picture.

So, in honor of Halloween, here are some of the best examples of tricks gettin’ rudely treated…

You’d think teammates could be a little more helpful in communicating, especially when they get beat badly off the dribble and their dude they were fronting zips past them to the rack. Their freed opponent is either bringing the ball with him or flying in for the tip slam… heading right for another would-be defender with his back turned and eye off the play.  Instead, you get dialogue probably resembling a bad John Carpenter script:

BROKEN-ANKLED DEFENDER: Jethro!  Look out, behind you!

POSTER-BOY-IN-THE-MAKING: What?  I can’t hear you, Elroy!  Can’t you see I’m busy staring up at the rim waiting for the cherry-pick rebound? Gee, I wonder why I’m isolated down here by myself?

BUSTED-ANKLE DEFENDER: Turn around!

VICTIM-IN-WAITING: Every now and then I get a little bit tired…

B.A.D.: No! Turn your dumb a$ around! He’s coming right at you!  Above you!

ABOUT-TO-GET-PUNKED:  What? Who? Where?

((BOOM!!))

HUMILIATION-PERSONIFIED (eyes big as saucers, then squints, squirms, screams): Oh … AHHHHHHHHH!

B.A.D. (shakes his head in shame)

POSTER-BOY (rubs the back of his dome): Oww, man… Dawg, why ain’t you warn me?

B.A.D.: Oh, never mind.  My B.A.D.  Check ball.

Here are some Dishonorable-Mention snapshots.  Just when you thought it was safe not to box out…

~iyf

VOTE OR GET DUNKED ON!

A SPECIAL PUBLIC MESSAGE to "The American People," from your dear friends at Nasteedunx...

Remember, Your Vote Counts on Election Day, "My Friends!"

So get out there on November 4 and rock the vote... OR ELSE THE OLD CREEPY DUDE GETS IT!

(T-Bag T-Shirts available at Philly's Undrcrwn.com)

Vote Early! Vote Often! (just kidding on that last comment!)

~iyf

White Boys Can't WHAT? Part I: Tyler Oh-My-a!

(We’re all about equality here at Nasteedunx. Often focusing on the biggest SportsCenter Top Play-inducing names in the hoops world, often we lose sight of the more ebonistically-challenged among us who are still blessed with insane hopz… and hold no reservations showing it off on their opponents. In honor of our pastier pals, we periodicially feature them on a segment we like to call “White Boys Can’t WHAT?”)

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It’s a long, long ride from Elkhart, Indiana to Bellingham, Washington with not much to do in between. On the road to the Elkhart Express’ defense of their title at the International Basketball League championship, Coleco Buie really should’ve spent some of his idle time reading the scouting report on Tyler Amaya of the Bellingham Slam.

Unfortunately for him, the two-time defending IBL champs may have headed to Whatcom County a bit too overconfident to take heed to stuff like this…

Rangy, high-flying, tenacious board-crasher, a triple-double threat at just over 6-foot-6. Likes to spend a LOT of time in the air. Equipped with a mouth gets him in trouble from time to time. IBL All-Star starter who probably got a few tips on his dunking skills from special-guest IBL All-Star-weekend player Shawn Kemp.

May still have a chip on his shoulder when Gonzaga didn’t give him much time to play, driving him to Dixie State College and Division II’s Western Washington University. Local state-high-school and junior-college champ who might do anything to give his hometown a spectacular, memorable championship victory.

Loves destroying weak zone defenses, either by popping threes over the top, or by coming off a curl and tip-slamming on people's heads, like THIS…

As demonstrated, will unapologetically smash even on his own teammate to score the bucket. More than happy to posterize would-be defenders and put their shame on full display on his MySpace page. Will try to take advantage inside, especially since our 7-foot-2 center missed the team bus back in Elkhart, Indiana and won’t play in the championship game. Be sure to have somebody box him out of the lane on rebounds, at all costs…

Coleco Buie should have read the scouting report on Tyler Amaya.

Instead, Buie wound up with the kind of ColecoVision you DON’T wanna play with. Plus, he and his Elkhart Express wound up leaving Bellingham without another trophy.

~iyf