Fakin Da Funk III: LEBRON ON DELONTE (From Knee-Knee, with Love)

A couple years back, while trolling ESPN Page 2 I came across a fun Valentine's Day article. Delonte West opened up on February 14 about his ideal romantic evening, complete with a yacht, Jim Jones pumping in the Benz, some Moet, steak, skrimp, one prepubescent-tail-chasing crooner to serenade… and Popeye's chicken. Oh, and Jaws, too. Then-Celtic teammate and world-reknowned love doctor Orien Greene chimes in to add to the humor.

Some tidbits from the hilarity that ensues…

D-West: “So, I pick her up in my white convertible. From there, I'd have the music pumping on the radio. The Jim Jones pumping, you know, 'Summer in Miami' song pumping. Got to keep a little gangsta, you can't be too soft. You can't be in there playing some guy that's crying, talking about don't leave me and love me baby, wah wah and all that. So Jim Jones pumping and then from there, wind blowing through the hair, boom, we get straight to the point -- we eat afterwards because I don't want to kiss no onions. I don't want to kiss you tasting like onions and steak and mushrooms and everything.”

O.G.: “What, you taking her back to the Mot 6 [Motel 6]?”

D-West: “So, where we going then? You know, with the female readers, I might get me a superstar off this one. I might get me Beyonce or something.”

O.G.: “Take her to your yacht, dog.”

D-West: “Sit down and have some dinner, some shrimps and steaks, keep it nice and breezy. Pop some bottles, some Moet Rose. The red Moet, we ain't popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination. We ain't popping no Kris, that's $500 a bottle. It ain't that serious. It ain't going to get you drunk. Make sure you put that in there. We ain't doing a $500 bottle, we're doing a $99 wine and dine. While we're eating, have a singer. Who should I have?"

O.G.: “R. Kelly.”

D-West: “I can't afford R. Kelly.”

O.G.: “You can't afford R. Kelly? Oh, you talking about you going to actually have him on the boat singing? Oh, man, you doing it like that?! I'm telling you, you all might not come back for two, three days.”

D-West: “So, we are done eating, man, we've got to have someone singing while we're eating. OK, so from there, we're doing a midnight skinny-dipping jump. Alright? From there, hopefully she's got money because I hope Jaws gets her, boom, make sure she got me in the will, bank, I'm good. Oh well, shark got her! Jaws got her. Nah, we ain't going there.”

D-West: “One more thing: When we're on the yacht eating, we're going to have some Popeyes chicken. That's for dinner. It's to let her know, put a mental image on her mind, first and foremost, if you ain't from the hood, you don't like Popeyes chicken. Everyone there loves Popeyes chicken and the biscuits -- phew. But that's just getting it on her mind, saying, you know, 'Yeah, I can wine and dine you, but I'm a little rough around the edges and I'm keeping it real with you. I can be romantic, but this is real, we're going to eat some chicken tonight. Chicken and biscuits.'”

It's particularly funny given the timing, because the Very Next Night after V-Day, Delonte was delivered a very special message, from a newfound acquaintance... ;-)

"February 15, 2006

Dearest Delonte -

From the instant that things took off, I knew you and I would become glued to one another. As I pressed not-so-tenderly against your Adam's Apple, I hoped that our One Shining Moment could somehow remain frozen in time, perhaps like a poster where everyone could someday say they, too, were a 'Witness'. So sorry about the bruises I left on your neck and chest: just tell your homeboyz you got a hickey!

But alas, due to circumstances beyond our control, we had to go our separate ways. I truly hope we can meet again sometime soon, perhaps next season, since you won't be around by the springtime, what with the playoffs and all. (Sigh!) Thinking of you, until then...

Sincerely,

LeBron's Right Knee"

~iyf

Crammed-On Chronicles VI: LeBron James ON Tim Duncan (Don't Just Cross 'em Over. Cross 'em off Your Checklist.)

November 3, 2006

Every player has a “To-Do” list going into the season.  LeBron James certainly has his. 

In his first year, he was able to cross out the line that read, “Prove yourself to all haters,” all the people who thought he’d be intimidated by the big stage, those who insisted (hoped?) that the teenager would never amount to more than a mediocre role player. 

The next year, the list included, “Lead a team that hadn’t sniffed the playoffs since you were snapping ankles in middle school.”  LeBron scratched that off the list, too, even winning a first-round battle while attracting more Witnesses than Jehovah.

This year’s list is a little tougher:

“Make your free throws.”

“Cut down on the turnovers.”

“Drag this squad into the Finals.” 

LeBron saw an opportunity to knock off another task in just his second game of the season:

“Get the Cavs a win in San An for the first time since you were drooling applesauce on your bib.”

Not even ten minutes into the game, LeBron blows by two Spurs defenders who get suckered on a pick. Curling off the Drew Gooden screen around Fabricio Oberto (which translates roughly to “slow-footed” in Argentina), King James finds himself driving to the rim with the imposing, perennial all-Defensive Team member Tim Duncan standing below, waiting to absorb a charge call.  One would think Duncan would have learned from Marcus Camby in the ’99 Finals that this was not a great place to be, and if he was going to take the contact he should at least step completely outside the “no-charge” circle.

LeBron takes just one step in the lane before rising, when he realizes he can kill two birds with one powerful stone.  One task in his Franklin Covey checklist involves that ‘applesauce’ thing.  The other was one he has certainly heard from the few critics he has left on Earth:

“Enough with the weenies like Damon Jones and Delonte West.  For once, POSTERIZE A BIG MAN!  And make it memorable!”

A split second later, as the ball ricochets off Duncan’s dome, as the stone-faced former MVP tumbles out of bounds, as Spurs fans cough up their tamales, as commentator Hubie Brown literally soils his undergarments, and as Cavs teammates go ape-sh*t on the sideline, LeBron could faintly be heard whispering to himself:

"Check."

~iyf 

Where Are They Now? Part VIII (2006, Updated 2008)

Facializer #8 - Britton Johnsen

I tell ya, life is unfair sometimes. If you knew you were the one man who has brutally thrown down atop LeBron James, the wunderkind, not merely in some obscure pickup game, but in Bron's very first professional (preseason) game with half the nation watching on TV, why would you have to settle for playing with the Idaho Stampede?

Posterizing King James in his prime on Prime Time TV should beenough to scribble the Brute Ute down in permanent ink as a player on somebody's NBA bench, especially since the depth on some of these teams is hideously bad. Anybody that finds the video get it on here, will ya? It's like no one was a "Witness" that day!

Magic fans didn't have much to cheer for but that changed late in the third quarter. Magic forward Britton Johnsen brought the crowd to its feet when he dunked over James with 6:41 left in the third. The Magic Jumbotron operator was so impressed that he ran the replay three times.

"The only reason they kept showing it was because of who the dunk was on," Johnsen said. "When I made the dunk, I didn't even notice it was LeBron until someone told me. He showed a lot of composure tonight and a lot of great things are going to happen for him."

Since then, Johnsen's biggest notoriety in the League was as a footnote, being called up by the Pacers in '04 after Artest and Stephen Jackson went buckwild in the stands and Jermaine coldcocked that Fat Joe wannabe. After the Magic and Pacers supposedly couldn't keep a spot for him, he bounced around the CBA, with Jaren Jackson (Where Are They Now Victim #6) and his Gary Steelheads, and the Stampede. Then the Stormin Mormon went on a Mission to Europe, with a stop in Greece and with the ULEB league before his current "place de residence." Britton will be ballin this year with perennial French powerhouse Pau Orthez, the same people who brought you Boris Diaw & Mickael Pietrus.

And you thought Mormons didn't dunk on Sundays...

(2008 Update: The man whose summer-league crowning of the young King earned him a starting SF spot on the Magic’s 2003-2004 team still hasn’t been able to stick with an NBA squad, and has spent his much of his time in the minors. Most recently, Johnsen took time out of D-League ball with the Utah Flash to play in Turkey with ULEB Cup contenders Galatasaray Café Crown. He can chat about the Beehive State even over there, as their star player is former Utah Jazz guard Dee Brown.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Victim #8 - Chris Dudley

Dunk on LeBron's dome? That may earn you a few 10-day contracts. But play college hoops at Yale, look like the very picture of a stiff, average 3 points a game, shoot free throws WORSE THAN SHAQ, but stand at 6'11"? You're a 15-year NBA veteran!

Chris probably should've thought about baseball as a sports career, though. Shaq crammed down on the not-so-studly Dudley in a Blazer-Laker game in the mid-90's, nearly ripping off the rim, then shoved the already stumbling Dudley Do Wrong after the dunk to help him crash to the hardwood even faster. But a true Ivy Leaguer is always smart enough to know when he's been bitch-slapped, and this Eli wasn't just gonna take it, uh, lying down. Peeling the Spalding ball from his forehead, Chris rose up and hurled the rock at Shaq. The Big Aristotle was already at half-court, grinning like a Cheshire Cat, when Bam! A perfect strike from the Dudster into Shaq's baq, right between the shoulder blades. Upon witnessing this spectacle, Doug Collins scratched his head and remarked, “Now here's a guy who can't hit a free throw but can hit Shaq from 47 feet away!”

''I guess I should have missed him, huh?'' said Dudley, who started next to Ewing in order to guard O'Neal. ''To me, pushing somebody like he did, and then throwing a ball from 40 feet away at him like I did, which is worse?''

Sure, Chris got T'd up and ejected, but he got his message across. Something along the lines of "I may suck, Shaq, but you won't treat me like your boy Kobe does his ladies!" It was a show of confidence that would not be seen again against Shaquille until Andrew Bynum got his payback jam this year.Since then he took his not-so-well-earned paychecks and opened his own foundation for kids with diabetes, something the Dudmaster himself has dealt with throughout his career.

CAPTION: Bushie Boy asks 17-year old, "You think I can dunk on this guy?" Kid responds, "Sure, that's easier than finding those Weapons of Mass Destruction, Mr. President!"

~iyf

Please, LeBron, Don't Hurt 'Em!

LeBron challenges the scrubs in a promo for Cub Cadet.

Tell me if you agree... Bron's swat on the goggled stiff was a goaltend if you ask me. Ha!
And the poor fat dude hadn't probably ducked that far down since grade school.

~iyf