July 20, 2009

WHITE BOYS CAN’T WHAT? IV: Mike Marra -- That Just Ain’t “Right”

Ladies and Gentlemen, we may have found Him.

First, take JJ Redick’s collegiate shooting prowess. Now, add a dose of vintage Darrell Griffith’s boosties, and you have just given Doctor Frankenstein a run for his money. This particular monster masher goes by the name of Mike Marra, and you have just created the dude who might win the College 3-Point Shootout AND Dunk Contest in the same weekend.

The tatted-out 6’5” Northfield Mount Hermon grad was plucked by Louisville. Cards coach Rick Pitino crowed that the young gun was “the best shooter I had ever seen.” With apologies to Billy Donovan and Tony Delk. Oh, and Mike’s a good paisan to boot:

"I was joking with my son (assistant coach Richard Pitino) and said go out and see if you can find me a terrific Italian basketball player. We laughed about it and he said, 'Sure, I'll make that a priority.' A couple of months later he said, 'I found that Italian and can you believe he's from your favorite place - Providence, R.I.' He said he could flat out shoot it. I went to see him a few times. I've been recruiting for a long time - he's the best high school shooter I have ever seen in my life. I know that's quite a statement. Now he has to get the rest of his game to catch up to his shooting prowess. But he has NBA range, he gets it off quickly and he has perfect form and perfect arch."

And who’s to argue? Never mind his dunk-contest exploits at the beginning of the vid below, peep the deadeye range at the end:

But the best slam dunkers of the Caucasian persuasion know that pinpoint-accurate shooting gives opponents the sense that it’s ALL you can do on the court. And once you’ve set them up, then you can go out and do wicked stuff like THIS to busters…

Just ask Dave “Stiltz” Rufful, a Dartmouth forward and aspiring right-wing rapper with the “Young Cons”…

… what it’s like to get a wooden spoon of Marra-nasty sauce.

Stiltz got windmill-dunked-on so vehemently rough and awful (rufful?) during a spring run, by his former high school teammate no less. Anybody feel a breeze?…

…Fox News immediately sought cover for Rufful, convening a 5-star Swift Boat panel that night to discuss:


BILL KRISTOL: “Well, I mean, c’mon, let’s be reasonable. At least Marra cuffed it on Ruff with his RIGHT hand…”

ANN COULTER: “But he went at the rim from the LEFT! A typical bleeding-heart approach! What an infidel! Basketball is so inhumane anyway, nothing like hockey… Oh, I’ll be back. Spencer Hawes just tweeted me.”

JUAN WILLIAMS: “That’s the problem with white kids like Marra, anyway. Too much basketball culture! Turns them into tattoo-plastered windmilling thugs. That’s why I took up hopscotch during my leaner years...”

GERALDO RIVERA: “I just hope for that Vanilla Ice boy’s sake he put on some decent deodorant.”

CHRIS WALLACE: “We cannot confirm at this time whether Michael Moore is buying exclusive rights to the tape for his next documentary, “RIGHT MEN CAN’T JUMP.”

SARAH PALIN: “It’s what I always warn Trig, that THIS is what happens when you hang with the liberal elite at Ivy League schools like Louisville.”


MIKE HUCKABEE: “Er… we’d better go to break. UP NEXT: Richard Jefferson and the NBA’s Closeted Agenda Against Opposite-Sex Marriage.”


What? What?