September 19, 2008

You Just Got YouTubed! Part II - Bride of Dunkula

Well... it's great to see Henry Bekkering got hitched (I didn't get invited, but I ain't mad atcha, bruh!)

No, really the Caucasian Air Canada didn't really tie the knot, but I'd imagine when he did the ceremony would go a lil' sumthin' like this...

Dearly beloved... into this holy union Mr. Davis and Ms. Kirilenko now come to be joined under the hoop.


With the power invested in me, I NOW PRONOUNCE THEE... DUNKER AND DUNKEDON.


September 17, 2008

School Daze

Mad props to YouTube's mixstealer300. He's been cataloguing the hypest rim-rockers in NCAA Division I, and his latest mix, "Taken to School," features players of all sizes with uncanny springs... and deftly illustrates why some defenders wish they had NEVER aced that SAT.

Here's a similar one mixstealer300 put together back in December 2007.


September 15, 2008

Crammed-On Chronicles V: Bostjan Nachbar ON THE WORLD

(2008 Update: This cat managed to remain persona non grata while making beaucoup highlights... for other NBA ballers. After several seasons with no pub and little cash, in 2006-2007 he decided it was time to make a few of his own. Now he makes mad rubles to the tune of $14.3 mill over the next three years in Russia. The hoops world knows who he is, now.)

Say My Name, Say My Name
March 2007

You are Bostjan Nachbar. And since October 14, 2003, it has sucked to be you.

Getting vaulted and assaulted by a player nowhere near his prime in some preseason contest is bad enough. Having some dunk aficionados refer to it as the most athletic jump-over jam in basketball history is even worse enough. But the ultimate shame comes because no one bothers to remember you, the victim. And the few that do can barely pronounce your name. That’s when you get relegated to the unfortunate title of “That Guy.”

“How ‘bout the other night when that Gerald Wallace kid hurled over That Guy on the Rockets?” the typical water-cooler convo would go. “He almost cleared that big Croatian dude!” (You’re from Slovenia.) “For real, when Wallace’s hips got above that Serbian stiff’s ears I damn near coughed up my malt liquor!”

Patrick Ewing. Bob Sura. Dikembe. Kelly Tripucka. Tree friggin’ Rollins. Each and every time Jordan dunked over somebody, those left to tell the tale recall both the moments of sheer will AND MJ’s unwilling bystanders. So what’s the deal with you? Yeah, one might use the excuse that your best years were in Euroleague instead of the high-profile NCAA colleges, so you had no rep worthy of defiling. But mention Frederic Weis and what image immediately comes to mind? Or maybe they’ll argue that the dunk was a case of marginal talent over even less marginal talent, so your actual name isn’t relevant. But that assertion is flawed, too. Everybody that meets Kirk Snyder for the first time asks him about Von Wafer.

So in the collective consciousness of hoop fans known as the Posterized Hall of Shame, essentially, you were Kornel David. Except Korny didn’t have a name that looks like some Wheel of Fortune contestant’s nightmare. You were doomed to become that locker-room trivia question no one could answer.

“Yo, remember when Gerald Wallace was with the Kings and took off from one step in the lane, went all Statue of Liberty on That Turkish Dude and 360’d while clinging to the rim?” “Man, Gerald went at that Hungarian homeboy like a triple jumper at the Olympics.” “What the hell was that mofo’s name that got shat on?”… “Boston Nutbag?”… “Bozo Snackbar?”…“Bustin Noshbagel?”

You are Bostjan Nachbar. Reppin’ the hardscrabble streets of Slovenj Gradec. Your friends, both of them, and your mama call you Boki. It is now three seasons later and, frankly, you’ve had enough.

You didn’t come halfway around the globe to get shown the exits like some misguided AND1 Open Run contestant. You were not just another Eurotrash shooter with no defensive skill doomed to a short and unremarkable NBA shelf-life. Unbeknownst to all, you had patience, perseverance, heart. After a run with the Rockets and Hornets, now you’re with the Nets and have Jason Kidd droppin’ crazy dimes. And you had something no one before had ever bothered to wonder about. Mad Boosties.

It all started innocuously enough, up in Toronto in preseason. You ran a curl around rookie Garbajosa, then rose up and over the vertically-challenged Kris Humphries for the one-handed smackdown. “Are you kidding me? Bostjan Nachbar?” blurted the Raptors’ stunned announcer.

Raps fans were left scratching their domes: “Where did that come from, eh? Better yet, WHO did that come from?”

Next month, you upped the ante, losing Danny Granger on a give-and-go, grabbing a J-Kidd bounce pass, and clearing Jermaine O’Neal along the baseline on the way to the tin for the tomahawk slam.

Rookie Marcus Williams sprung from the bench. He’s seen you in practice. He heard all about your scrimmage dunks on Yao Ming back in your Houston days. He knew what was coming.
By then, Jersey fans not only started pronouncing your name right, they knew you were no fluke. But you weren’t done, by no means.

Over the next five months you would swoop in to challenge some of the most fearsome (and least suspecting) shotblockers in the game. After the All-Star break, you advanced the degree of difficulty, going from the likes of Jared Jeffries and Calvin Booth, to Tyson Chandler, Tim Duncan and Elton Brand.

You saved your Ultimate Highlight, though, for Samuel Dalembert. Apparently your posterizing exploits hadn’t made the press yet in Port-au-Prince, much less Philly. With just 5 minutes left in the game, you drive around a cement-shoed Kyle Korver on yet ANOTHER curl, and raise up like a helicopter over a stunned Dalembert, who didn’t even have time to leave his feet to challenge you.

You punch the ball through the hoop hard enough for the whole arena to hear it, then literally breakdance on Dalembert’s shoulders, pointing to teammates from the rim. Gerald Wallace-style. Eddie House celebrates before you even bring the ball down on Dalembert. He knew what was coming.

Now it’s Daly, not you, who gets his name butchered. Marv Albert exults as he unintentionally hates on the Haitian: “Oh! Soaring over Dal-umm-barr! And lands on him! Wow!”

Now you get mad love – and ink – from both sides of the Atlantic. Not only are people getting your name right, you can get rid of that ‘Boki” moniker your mama gave you, because now you’ve got fans dubbing you “The Boss,” and “The Slovenian Slammer.” The TV network regularly interrupts “Slovenian Idol” to show off your Dunk of the Night from the States. Your cellie’s blowin up these days from well-wishers, bold enough to make personal requests, especially from back home. “Yo, Boss, good luck in the playoffs, but do me a favor and throw one down over Big Z for me, will ya? I bet my buddy from Ljubljana 20 Euros you’d blast one on that lame Lithuanian.”

"People are getting spoiled," you told the local paper. "It's hard to keep everybody satisfied now that I've dunked over a couple of guys. Now before the game I'm getting calls and text messages like, 'We'll be watching you dunk on that guy.' I'm like, 'Look, take it easy!'" Sounds like a good problem to have.

You are Bostjan Nachbar. In just one unreal season, fans went from asking “Who?” to “Who’s Next?” All that’s really left to ask is, “Who’s Left?”


September 13, 2008

Happy Trails! Pat Garrity

There are two guys in particular who the Sixers' Samuel Dalembert will be happy to know have elected to depart from The League this off-season. One is to be featured in our next Crammed-On Chronicle archive from 2007, as he heads back overseas (to Moscow) to get some of that strong Euro cash.

The other is the Orlando Magic's Pat Garrity, who sat in quite a catbird seat as the treasurer for the NBA Players' Union. He retired from the NBA this week, to the amazement of many teammates who thought he stopped playing quality basketball long ago. In The League for ten uneventful seasons, including nine with the Magic, Garrity's legacy on YouTube consists of a single 30-second dunk mixtape... basically three replays of the same jam, but a good one from 2006. Opening himself up on the weakside after making a screen for the double-teamed Steve Francis, he barrels into the lane and knocks Sammy to the floor, folding him up like some cheap patio furniture as he windmills in a right-hander. Garrity's dunk elicited gasps from fans and teammates alike and was the "WTF moment" of the season. Outside of the 53 starts at small forward he had for the injury-riddled Magic in 2003, the dunk had to be the WTF moment of his career as well.


September 10, 2008

Where Are They Now? Part VIII (2006, Updated 2008)

Facializer #8 - Britton Johnsen

Posterizing King James in his prime on Prime Time TV should beenough to scribble the Brute Ute down in permanent ink as a player on somebody's NBA bench, especially since the depth on some of these teams is hideously bad. Anybody that finds the video get it on here, will ya? It's like no one was a "Witness" that day!

Since then, Johnsen's biggest notoriety in the League was as a footnote, being called up by the Pacers in '04 after Artest and Stephen Jackson went buckwild in the stands and Jermaine coldcocked that Fat Joe wannabe. After the Magic and Pacers supposedly couldn't keep a spot for him, he bounced around the CBA, with Jaren Jackson (Where Are They Now Victim #6) and his Gary Steelheads, and the Stampede. Then the Stormin Mormon went on a Mission to Europe, with a stop in Greece and with the ULEB league before his current "place de residence." Britton will be ballin this year with perennial French powerhouse Pau Orthez, the same people who brought you Boris Diaw & Mickael Pietrus.

And you thought Mormons didn't dunk on Sundays...

(2008 Update: The man whose summer-league crowning of the young King earned him a starting SF spot on the Magic’s 2003-2004 team still hasn’t been able to stick with an NBA squad, and has spent his much of his time in the minors. Most recently, Johnsen took time out of D-League ball with the Utah Flash to play in Turkey with ULEB Cup contenders Galatasaray CafĂ© Crown. He can chat about the Beehive State even over there, as their star player is former Utah Jazz guard Dee Brown.)


Victim #8 - Chris Dudley

Dunk on LeBron's dome? That may earn you a few 10-day contracts. But play college hoops at Yale, look like the very picture of a stiff, average 3 points a game, shoot free throws WORSE THAN SHAQ, but stand at 6'11"? You're a 15-year NBA veteran!

Chris probably should've thought about baseball as a sports career, though. Shaq crammed down on the not-so-studly Dudley in a Blazer-Laker game in the mid-90's, nearly ripping off the rim, then shoved the already stumbling Dudley Do Wrong after the dunk to help him crash to the hardwood even faster. But a true Ivy Leaguer is always smart enough to know when he's been bitch-slapped, and this Eli wasn't just gonna take it, uh, lying down. Peeling the Spalding ball from his forehead, Chris rose up and hurled the rock at Shaq. The Big Aristotle was already at half-court, grinning like a Cheshire Cat, when Bam! A perfect strike from the Dudster into Shaq's baq, right between the shoulder blades. Upon witnessing this spectacle, Doug Collins scratched his head and remarked, “Now here's a guy who can't hit a free throw but can hit Shaq from 47 feet away!”

Sure, Chris got T'd up and ejected, but he got his message across. Something along the lines of "I may suck, Shaq, but you won't treat me like your boy Kobe does his ladies!" It was a show of confidence that would not be seen again against Shaquille until Andrew Bynum got his payback jam this year.Since then he took his not-so-well-earned paychecks and opened his own foundation for kids with diabetes, something the Dudmaster himself has dealt with throughout his career.

CAPTION: Bushie Boy asks 17-year old, "You think I can dunk on this guy?" Kid responds, "Sure, that's easier than finding those Weapons of Mass Destruction, Mr. President!"


September 4, 2008

Please, LeBron, Don't Hurt 'Em!

LeBron challenges the scrubs in a promo for Cub Cadet.
Tell me if you agree... Bron's swat on the goggled stiff was a goaltend if you ask me. Ha!
And the poor fat dude hadn't probably ducked that far down since grade school.


September 3, 2008

White Boys Can't WHAT? Part I: Tyler Oh-My-a!

(We’re all about equality here at Nasteedunx. Often focusing on the biggest SportsCenter Top Play-inducing names in the hoops world, often we lose sight of the more ebonistically-challenged among us who are still blessed with insane hopz… and hold no reservations showing it off on their opponents. In honor of our pastier pals, we periodicially feature them on a segment we like to call “White Boys Can’t WHAT?”)
It’s a long, long ride from Elkhart, Indiana to Bellingham, Washington with not much to do in between. On the road to the Elkhart Express’ defense of their title at the International Basketball League championship, Coleco Buie really should’ve spent some of his idle time reading the scouting report on Tyler Amaya of the Bellingham Slam.

Unfortunately for him, the two-time defending IBL champs may have headed to Whatcom County a bit too overconfident to take heed to stuff like this…

Rangy, high-flying, tenacious board-crasher, a triple-double threat at just over 6-foot-6. Likes to spend a LOT of time in the air. Equipped with a mouth gets him in trouble from time to time. IBL All-Star starter who probably got a few tips on his dunking skills from special-guest IBL All-Star-weekend player Shawn Kemp.

May still have a chip on his shoulder when Gonzaga didn’t give him much time to play, driving him to Dixie State College and Division II’s Western Washington University. Local state-high-school and junior-college champ who might do anything to give his hometown a spectacular, memorable championship victory.

Loves destroying weak zone defenses, either by popping threes over the top, or by coming off a curl and tip-slamming on people's heads, like THIS…

As demonstrated, will unapologetically smash even on his own teammate to score the bucket. More than happy to posterize would-be defenders and put their shame on full display on his MySpace page. Will try to take advantage inside, especially since our 7-foot-2 center missed the team bus back in Elkhart, Indiana and won’t play in the championship game. Be sure to have somebody box him out of the lane on rebounds, at all costs…

Coleco Buie should have read the scouting report on Tyler Amaya.

Instead, Buie wound up with the kind of ColecoVision you DON’T wanna play with. Plus, he and his Elkhart Express wound up leaving Bellingham without another trophy.


What? What?