February 10, 2009

Fakin Da Funk III: LEBRON ON DELONTE (From Knee-Knee, with Love)

A couple years back, while trolling ESPN Page 2 I came across a fun Valentine's Day article. Delonte West opened up on February 14 about his ideal romantic evening, complete with a yacht, Jim Jones pumping in the Benz, some Moet, steak, skrimp, one prepubescent-tail-chasing crooner to serenade… and Popeye's chicken. Oh, and Jaws, too. Then-Celtic teammate and world-reknowned love doctor Orien Greene chimes in to add to the humor.

Some tidbits from the hilarity that ensues…

D-West: So, I pick her up in my white convertible. From there, I'd have the music pumping on the radio. The Jim Jones pumping, you know, 'Summer in Miami' song pumping. Got to keep a little gangsta, you can't be too soft. You can't be in there playing some guy that's crying, talking about don't leave me and love me baby, wah wah and all that. So Jim Jones pumping and then from there, wind blowing through the hair, boom, we get straight to the point -- we eat afterwards because I don't want to kiss no onions. I don't want to kiss you tasting like onions and steak and mushrooms and everything.”

O.G.: “What, you taking her back to the Mot 6 [Motel 6]?”

D-West: So, where we going then? You know, with the female readers, I might get me a superstar off this one. I might get me Beyonce or something.”

O.G.: “Take her to your yacht, dog.”

D-West: “Sit down and have some dinner, some shrimps and steaks, keep it nice and breezy. Pop some bottles, some Moet Rose. The red Moet, we ain't popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination. We ain't popping no Kris, that's $500 a bottle. It ain't that serious. It ain't going to get you drunk. Make sure you put that in there. We ain't doing a $500 bottle, we're doing a $99 wine and dine. While we're eating, have a singer. Who should I have?"

O.G.: “R. Kelly.”

D-West: “I can't afford R. Kelly.”

O.G.: “You can't afford R. Kelly? Oh, you talking about you going to actually have him on the boat singing? Oh, man, you doing it like that?! I'm telling you, you all might not come back for two, three days.”

D-West: “So, we are done eating, man, we've got to have someone singing while we're eating. OK, so from there, we're doing a midnight skinny-dipping jump. Alright? From there, hopefully she's got money because I hope Jaws gets her, boom, make sure she got me in the will, bank, I'm good. Oh well, shark got her! Jaws got her. Nah, we ain't going there.”

D-West: “One more thing: When we're on the yacht eating, we're going to have some Popeyes chicken. That's for dinner. It's to let her know, put a mental image on her mind, first and foremost, if you ain't from the hood, you don't like Popeyes chicken. Everyone there loves Popeyes chicken and the biscuits -- phew. But that's just getting it on her mind, saying, you know, 'Yeah, I can wine and dine you, but I'm a little rough around the edges and I'm keeping it real with you. I can be romantic, but this is real, we're going to eat some chicken tonight. Chicken and biscuits.'”

It's particularly funny given the timing, because the Very Next Night after V-Day, Delonte was delivered a very special message, from a newfound acquaintance... ;-)

"February 15, 2006

Dearest Delonte -

From the instant that things took off, I knew you and I would become glued to one another. As I pressed not-so-tenderly against your Adam's Apple, I hoped that our One Shining Moment could somehow remain frozen in time, perhaps like a poster where everyone could someday say they, too, were a 'Witness'. So sorry about the bruises I left on your neck and chest: just tell your homeboyz you got a hickey!

But alas, due to circumstances beyond our control, we had to go our separate ways. I truly hope we can meet again sometime soon, perhaps next season, since you won't be around by the springtime, what with the playoffs and all. (Sigh!) Thinking of you, until then...


LeBron's Right Knee"


1 comment:

  1. I'd like to see him try that on SHAQ.


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