September 10, 2008

Where Are They Now? Part VIII (2006, Updated 2008)

Facializer #8 - Britton Johnsen

Posterizing King James in his prime on Prime Time TV should beenough to scribble the Brute Ute down in permanent ink as a player on somebody's NBA bench, especially since the depth on some of these teams is hideously bad. Anybody that finds the video get it on here, will ya? It's like no one was a "Witness" that day!

Since then, Johnsen's biggest notoriety in the League was as a footnote, being called up by the Pacers in '04 after Artest and Stephen Jackson went buckwild in the stands and Jermaine coldcocked that Fat Joe wannabe. After the Magic and Pacers supposedly couldn't keep a spot for him, he bounced around the CBA, with Jaren Jackson (Where Are They Now Victim #6) and his Gary Steelheads, and the Stampede. Then the Stormin Mormon went on a Mission to Europe, with a stop in Greece and with the ULEB league before his current "place de residence." Britton will be ballin this year with perennial French powerhouse Pau Orthez, the same people who brought you Boris Diaw & Mickael Pietrus.

And you thought Mormons didn't dunk on Sundays...

(2008 Update: The man whose summer-league crowning of the young King earned him a starting SF spot on the Magic’s 2003-2004 team still hasn’t been able to stick with an NBA squad, and has spent his much of his time in the minors. Most recently, Johnsen took time out of D-League ball with the Utah Flash to play in Turkey with ULEB Cup contenders Galatasaray CafĂ© Crown. He can chat about the Beehive State even over there, as their star player is former Utah Jazz guard Dee Brown.)


Victim #8 - Chris Dudley

Dunk on LeBron's dome? That may earn you a few 10-day contracts. But play college hoops at Yale, look like the very picture of a stiff, average 3 points a game, shoot free throws WORSE THAN SHAQ, but stand at 6'11"? You're a 15-year NBA veteran!

Chris probably should've thought about baseball as a sports career, though. Shaq crammed down on the not-so-studly Dudley in a Blazer-Laker game in the mid-90's, nearly ripping off the rim, then shoved the already stumbling Dudley Do Wrong after the dunk to help him crash to the hardwood even faster. But a true Ivy Leaguer is always smart enough to know when he's been bitch-slapped, and this Eli wasn't just gonna take it, uh, lying down. Peeling the Spalding ball from his forehead, Chris rose up and hurled the rock at Shaq. The Big Aristotle was already at half-court, grinning like a Cheshire Cat, when Bam! A perfect strike from the Dudster into Shaq's baq, right between the shoulder blades. Upon witnessing this spectacle, Doug Collins scratched his head and remarked, “Now here's a guy who can't hit a free throw but can hit Shaq from 47 feet away!”

Sure, Chris got T'd up and ejected, but he got his message across. Something along the lines of "I may suck, Shaq, but you won't treat me like your boy Kobe does his ladies!" It was a show of confidence that would not be seen again against Shaquille until Andrew Bynum got his payback jam this year.Since then he took his not-so-well-earned paychecks and opened his own foundation for kids with diabetes, something the Dudmaster himself has dealt with throughout his career.

CAPTION: Bushie Boy asks 17-year old, "You think I can dunk on this guy?" Kid responds, "Sure, that's easier than finding those Weapons of Mass Destruction, Mr. President!"


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